Being Conscious on Trash Island
What we are learning is: boundaries are beautiful and believe in what your intuition tells you. Don’t give up your one precious life to fulfill someone else’s heart. Figure out how to do this shit on your own. Go it alone. Keep on movin’ on.
The shit that comes up when you are pregnant is intense and the only one that can really feel it is you. Such a strange reality to be in charge of all of the parts of your life in an even more intense way. All of the things about the father that felt endearing become highly intense to understand. And all of the parts of yourself that were previously just cute affectations become pesky awareness of your own inadequacy. Oh well.
Give it up to Mother Earth. I think too much. Just trash up the planet cause it’s trash anyway. Use the A/C. Eat sugar bombs. It doesn’t actually matter! Trash magic is an acceptance of all of these sides of ourselves that we’d prefer to keep hidden in the dark. The parts that still exist that we do in private — off social media — when we feel anonymous.
And the people that work at these fast food shops and trash markets become the ushers of our shame, who we ironically can be somehow more ourselves with their presence. We can talk shit. We can be uncomfortable with how ugly we look that day. These are actually nonjudgemental spaces where we are allowed to be free.
Are we somehow not allowed to be free usually?
I don’t know, but growing up with hippie rules gave me a hyper awareness of right and wrong that has now turned into neuroses and snobbiness where I act like I somehow know better cause I was taught that I was being raised better.
What I’m realizing is that there are real people in any identity group and that we are all struggling to understand the irony of wanting to save the planet so altruistically in the news and then destroying it in our daily actions. Walking through hypocrisy throughout your entire life makes it hard to believe in all of the bull shit. I am constantly on the verge of going too far, appearing like the enemy who we have all learned to hate as evil. Evil is live backwards, after all.
Evil is unconscious. And no matter how much you preach meditation and being present, you’re a liar if you don’t admit some amount of unconscious waking life. This is the reality of the world we live in. Check the box: You have a cell phone. You have a car; internet; television; drugs of any kind; not to mention just being surrounded by the technology that infiltrates our bodies and minds. Even if you live in the middle of the forest, you are still being effected. The whole world has gone mad and we are all participating in it simply by being alive. And so, I say, live it up while you still can.
Live in shameless freedom and take space from the people who have hurt you. Feel good about the life you live. Feel the people around you, let’s hope they feel positive to your soul. Make do with less. Use the trash you own for good purposes. Live from inside of your own mess and allow yourself to ride the waves. It is the same as it ever was, a bunch of dysfunctional people bumbling around the planet like dildos.
A client said to me, “Why is everyone so crazy?” and I had to say, “I don’t know. I guess we just have to sit back and enjoy the show.” and he starts laughing, “Exactly!” Everyone is an inherently good person living in fear of admitting their truth since some aspect of their truth could be judged by someone else as wrong. Everyone is scared that their google search history could be suddenly revealed at any time and they will be found out as a creepy neurotic pervert. And the ones that act like monsters are really just admitting that they have darkness and getting space from all of the spiritual predators acting as though they are somehow always living in the light.
Is darkness not a part of light? Can we have one without the other? How long can we survive in a holier than thou place?
It’s no wonder that we’ve turned to pop stars as our idols because all of their trash gets put on the table and so they show us that going crazy is normal; so, we feel less alone in the process.
Maybe I am just making excuses for going all of the way to trash town; fully immersing myself in a ghetto fabulous world so that I can be freely myself Maybe I am hiding behind a world that I control; a big fish in a small pond, scared to jump back into the big leagues.
After getting comfortable it is hard to want to get back into the race. I have already allowed myself to get lost down the rabbit hole of the freak vortex. I have found new tribe and I have realized that I am surrounded by a network of love and support. And now I wrestle with the choice to take myself out of this luxury and mix it back up in the cities where people have fewer luxuries to make such lofty decisions because they are living in Trash Island Proper.
So many years of being a waitress has taught me how to survive anything and anyone. I have learned that I can do anything and yet everything takes its time to recognize your flavor. Be patient.
Love,
Hobo Diva
